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more than me

more than me — beyond me —
Where are you.

how can i see you as holy
when today i
can’t even see.

something so far off and eventual
as your supposed “kingdom”
is such a tease.

is it here within our hearts today?
and if so, why do i feel so alone?
is it eventually a total renewal?
if so, why the wait? why the suffering? why not now?
is it a far-off place in the sky?
how can i care about such a nightmare
that abandons my friends
obliterates this planet
and keeps you so aloof?

the things you want.
what are they? (i’ve been so focused on my own needs)

on earth as it is in heaven.
i can’t help but accelerate at the thought of it.
present tense, there is perfection.
here and now it can be true.
all we do is ask.

those needs? straight up:
i need to love myself with clear confidence.
no more traps of self-hate and negative rumination —
my body, my body of work, my roles
fully reassured of my goodness.
i need to love fiercely my wife, as Christ loves the church.
Dedicated, Devoted. Persistently, Patient. Sacrificing everything for.
i need to be present and affirming with the kids.

forgive me for how i have
torn myself and others to shreds

may i forgive too.

i don’t want
to get
stuck again
in easy outs
wishful thinking
dangerous
dead-ends.
help me.

you
say you’ve
got a
kingdom
that works,
compatibly, with
today’s world.
power it on.

i want that
next-life aliveness,
here.