“I will no longer act on the outside in a way that contradicts the truth that I hold deeply on the inside. I will no longer act as if I were less than the whole person I know myself inwardly to be.” Parker Palmer, reflecting on Rosa Parks, in Let Your Life Speak.
“Congruent” is the word of the year from a friend of mine; we toasted to that word last night as we rang in the new year (early, at 9:00 pm).
The idea of coming together, in an integrated whole, is both terrifying and inevitable for me. It’s the thing I’ve run from for so long, the thing inside me waiting to be born, the default I’ve avoided, where all things blend in one enmeshed, intertwined, watery web, that is also not hidden, but seen.
This would be such things as: fathering and family-ing. Faith and spirituality. Humour and silliness. Work and seriousness. Meta commentary on web projects, and in-the-weeds reflections on life. Ambitious endeavours and throwaway side-projects.
…into what I becomes the vessel for sharing, for learning, for becoming, for changing. For seeing where my own wisdom ends and a whole new community begins.
Kendra read aloud this post from Jen Hatmaker for me today. It gave me a tear. She’s a gorgeous, inspiring human and writer. And here I am, at 34, zero books published, four kids, just starting to blog, and filled with hope and dread about the future.
I would rather stay safe and hidden and silent and alone as a recluse and a hermit, serving my family and my job, earning a paycheque, and going to bed.
And yet there is the need to take risks and be seen and use my voice and be in community and be connected and be a star, serving the world and my self, earning a living, and coming awake.
More Parker Palmer, reflecting on movement-starters like Rosa Parks again:
“No punishment anyone might inflict on them could possibly be worse than the punishment they inflict on themselves by conspiring in their own diminishment.”
“No reward anyone might give us could possibly be greater than the reward that comes from living by our best lights.”
I’m scared of creating daily and promoting my work. And yet it also seems like the truest coming home to calling that I know. I’m sorry in advance for times I will annoy you; I apologize to myself for how many times I’ll make a fool of myself. I’ll be obnoxious and seem full of myself. I’ll be short-sighted and hurt people. I’ll learn, and I hope we all will too. If I can learn and come alive in public, then maybe you can too.